How to Stop Overthinking In Relationships

Overthinking is the buzz kill in any relationship. How do we get off the overthinking hamster wheel and feel fulfilled in our friendships, marriages, and work relationships? 

In the past eight years I’ve coached several clients who’ve admitted to getting stuck overthinking a situation rather than working out a problem. (I’ve been one of them) Let’s face it, being stuck overthinking is a miserable state to be in. It leads to anxiety and wreaks havoc on our happiness. 

So how do you stop overthinking in a relationship? 

Here are 4 client approved actions that will help you stop overthinking, overcome the worry, and help you feel fulfilled in any of your relationships. 

Action 1: 

Challenge Your Assumptions

One of my favorite books is “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. It’s a “book that reveals the source of our self-limiting beliefs and outlines 4 agreements that are a code of conduct powerful enough to transform our self limiting behavior. I see the 4 agreements as a pack we make with ourselves to transform the way we interact with the world. One of the agreements in the book (I love this one) is “Don’t Make Assumptions.”

We make assumptions about everything. We can’t help it. Just think about all the assumptions you & I make when we overthink a situation. 

Your partner didn’t comment on your new outfit .... 💭 “He/She/They must not find me attractive.” 

Your partner wants to send your kids to Catholic school, but you don’t ……. 💭 “He/She/They will never agree to send the kids to public school.”   

Your best friend never returned your text……💭 ”They must be pissed at me.” 

The problem isn't just that we make assumptions, but that we act on them without awareness. These thoughts lead to blame, shutting down, and the hamster wheel of overthinking. 

“That’s why whenever we make assumptions, we’re asking for problems. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.”  Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

How do we avoid assumptions? 

We have to ask questions…be brave about it….concise in your communication, and keep asking more questions. By asking questions it eliminates the assumptions, empowers us to make decisions, and gives us the confidence we need to better communicate in our relationships.

Action #2

Be aware of the story you’re telling 

I’ve had to rely on this reminder quite a bit in my own relationships. It goes hand-in-hand with challenging our assumptions too. I’ve learned (thanks to Miguel Ruiz) that each of us has experienced the world in our own unique way. As a result, our thoughts, experiences, and actions filter through these experiences and create our own reality. Here’s a personal example. 

I grew up on Detroit’s eastside in a poor neighborhood. Growing up my parents were poor and there was never extra money. When my mom would buy us school clothes she would try and hide it from my dad. She would tell us “Don’t tell your dad how much money I spent. Let me tell him.” It was always like this. She knew that whatever money she spent would most likely get taken out of the food budget or the gas bill…she wanted to soften the blow to my dad. Money was the only thing my parents ever fought about. 

Fast forward to my adult life…..early in my marriage I acted the same way. I would hide the money I spent. Not because we didn’t have any, but because it’s what I thought I had to do. I would harbor anxiety and guilt and overthink the reasons I had to give to justify my spending.  In reality my husband didn’t care. It wasn’t a big deal to him. But in my mind…through my filter…. in the story I operated from, I thought it was important to hide things. 

If we want to overcome overthinking we need to be aware of the story we’re telling ourselves. How do our experiences or thoughts get filtered? How does what we’re telling ourselves really reflect our partner’s reality? The key here is to be aware of your story. Question yourself and be open to what this new awareness tells you. 

Action 3

Don’t Take Things Personal

This is hard to do, but what if it was your superpower? Don Miguel Ruiz reminds us that, 

“Nothing other people do is because of you. It’s because of them. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you.” 

Let’s apply this. You know that thing you can’t stop overthinking? The only way to overcome overthinking is by doing. Don’t let the potential of what others think or say keep you from action. Overthinking is a rut. It robs us of our freedom. If our superpower was not taking things personally just think of the action we could take. 

Action 4

Work On Your Personal Fulfillment

If you feel confident that you’re already working on this…awesome! Keep at it. Stay committed to the work and continue to be intentional with your actions. On the other hand, if your personal fulfillment is an afterthought then we have some work to do. Keep reading.

In his book Atomic Habits James Clear says “Every action is a set of beliefs.” If you’re not working on your personal fulfillment then it begs the question what are you working on? If your actions are rooted in overthinking and worry, what are your beliefs around these things? As a coach I wonder, what beliefs do you hold that affect your confidence, value, and ability to stop overthinking in your relationships? 

If this is you I understand the rut you’re in. Not too long ago I was there myself. I had put my dreams and goals in a closet and swiftly shut the door. But it cost me. I made assumptions. I told myself many stories, and I took too much personally. It left me feeling disconnected, resentful, and I sure as hell spent too much time overthinking. It almost ruined the 1 relationship I cherished the most. My marriage.

To get out of the rut I had to get honest with myself and ask a lot of questions. Really hard questions. But in the end it’s what guided me to work on my personal fulfillment. The same is possible for you. It’s just a matter of making the decision of who you want to become, and once you figure that out, you focus on the actions you want to take to reach that outcome. 

I know this can feel easier said than done, but I want you to know it’s possible. 

If you’re an over thinker and you don’t have the slightest idea of ONE what you want to become or TWO how to become that person, don’t be hard on yourself. So many of us have been exactly where you are. Give yourself a break and try out one of the actions above. 

If you’re super gutsy, reach out. I’d be happy to schedule an Empowerment Call with you….for FREE no strings. For 45 minutes we’ll focus on YOU and by the end you’ll feel empowered to take the first steps toward your personal fulfillment.