How Do I Stop Comparing Myself to Others?
The Dangerous Game
A few years back, right before my marriage hit rock bottom, I felt stuck. I felt like my husband didn’t understand me and worse didn’t see me. I had two young kids and taught at a community college in the evenings so I could stay home with them during the day. I loved being a wife & mom. I felt blessed, but I was miserable.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but because I was miserable I had let my mental shields drop and as a result I constantly compared my life to others. I started to obsess about what I felt would make me happy and looked for it in other people and things. I read books like “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert, read Backpacker Magazine, followed female adventure bloggers, and would sit and compare my stay at home mom life to these strong adventurous women. I was a gypsy at heart and the wild adventures I saw other people having made me feel incomplete, frustrated with my life, and angry with my husband because he didn’t want the same life I wanted.
It took me years to figure out that comparing myself and feeling like a victim was really a mirror reflecting back areas of my life I was unhappy with. It was a long journey to find myself again, but I am happily on the other side of that pain and now help others overcome the same feelings of misery.
Comparing ourselves to others is a dangerous game. When we start comparing we chip away at our joy and fulfillment. So how do we stop? We’re gonna talk about 3 simple things you can do to stop comparing so that you can live fulfilled today.
Become Aware
The first step is awareness. Notice when you start comparing. Is it when you’re scrolling through Facebook? Maybe it’s when you’re hanging out with a group of moms and you overhear their stories of international vacations, fancy day camps for their kids, or their 4.5 grade point average son? When the thoughts like…. “I wish I could have that life.” I wish my kid was dedicated to his studies like that.” “How come I can’t have that lifestyle?” You know you’ve started down a slippery slope. Stop. Don’t judge your thoughts. Instead take the first step and become aware of them.
Once you notice when you’re comparing, you can evaluate which situations are in your control. By knowing this you create an opportunity to prevent the comparisons from starting. For example, when I find myself scrolling through FB comparing myself to others I give myself a FB time out. When I am hanging out with a group of women bragging about their kids I excuse myself or turn to the women next to me and start a different conversation. Both actions put me in control and stop me from comparing.
Use Your Kryptonite
Comparison’s Kryptonite is gratitude. You have so much to be thankful for! When you’re with those ladies at the park or at a ball game and you feel yourself being dragged down, stop yourself and begin mentally reciting all the things you’re grateful for. I would start thinking things like “I am thankful my son persevered & made it through 8th grade.” “I am immensely grateful my teens spend time with us and watch Disney+ when new Marvel stuff comes out.” “I love my husband and I am profoundly happy we’re still together.” Thoughts like this completely change the trajectory of your feelings and emotions. Remember, gratitude is your kryptonite.
Personal Inventory
At the beginning I mentioned my personal struggle comparing myself to others. My own journey required me to take a personal inventory in order to uncover the beliefs connected to my thoughts and actions. What I learned was that in order to stop comparing, to stop giving away my joy, I had to take back control of my thoughts and the only way to do this was to change my beliefs.
I love what Rha Goddess says,
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When you are conscious, you can practice intentional thoughts and actions every moment, so that you can master a process that allows you to choose and have more of what you want in your life.”
Changing our beliefs requires time, effort, reflection, and a lot of self compassion.
Here are a few questions to get your started on your personal inventory. I’d encourage you to get out your favorite journal and begin reflecting on these questions. You will use these questions to reflect on your belief system. Be kind, don’t judge your beliefs just become aware of them. Journal your thoughts and feelings. ·
As you spend time considering the root of your comparisons, don't forget that awareness is the first step. Be thankful for it. Lean into that gratitude; it's your personal kryptonite.
For more information on how Michelle helps women stuck in Midlife Misery visit woodslifecoaching.com/coaching-programs