How I Started Reconnecting with Myself Again
Fear.
Not the dramatic kind. Not bears-in-the-woods fear or horror-movie fear.
More like the quiet kind.
The kind that slowly convinces you to make yourself smaller.
I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this too, but the longer I’ve been married and raising kids, the farther away I’ve drifted from parts of myself. Not because anyone forced me to. It just… happened slowly. One compromise at a time. One “it’s easier this way” at a time.
Somewhere along the way, I became afraid to fully say what I wanted.
Not because my husband is controlling. He’s not. (Nothing could be further from the truth) Honestly, most of the fear was mine. I worried about hurting feelings. Leaving people out. Wanting something different. So instead of clearly saying what I wanted, I’d skirt around it. Hint at it. Downplay it.
Especially when it came to travel.
For years I secretly wanted to take a trip by myself. Not because I wanted to escape my family, but because I missed parts of myself that only seemed to appear when I was challenged, adventurous, and uncomfortable in the best possible way.
Also, and I say this lovingly, I wanted to hike with people who didn’t complain every 14 minutes about their knees, hydration status, hunger level, or the incline. 😅
My family likes hiking.
I like aggressive hiking.
There’s a difference.
How Midlife Slowly Pulled Me Away From Myself
I think this happens to a lot of women in midlife.
Not overnight.
Not dramatically.
But slowly.
We spend years caring for everyone else. Coordinating schedules. Managing emotions. Remembering birthdays. Keeping the family machine functioning.
And somewhere in all that responsibility, we stop checking in with ourselves.
What do I want?
What excites me?
What makes me feel alive?
By the time many women reach their 40s or 50s, there’s often this quiet restlessness sitting underneath the surface. Life may look perfectly fine from the outside, but internally there’s this whisper:
There has to be more than grocery shopping and folding laundry until I die.
And before anyone emails me—I know there are beautiful parts of family life. I love my family deeply.
But love and restlessness can exist at the same time.
That’s the part no one really talks about.
The Impulsive Decision That Changed Something in Me
One day, in a moment of impulsive bravery, I booked a 4-day hiking, rappelling, and canyoneering trip with Explorer Chick.
With strangers.
Female strangers.
In Utah.
Honestly, the second I booked it I experienced approximately 47 emotional reactions:
excitement
empowerment
guilt
panic
“What have I done?”
“How am I going to pay for this without dipping into the family budget?”
and “Well… there’s no refund now.”
I worried my family would feel hurt that I wanted to do something without them.
I worried it was selfish.
I worried I wouldn’t fit in with the other women.
I worried I wouldn’t be capable enough.
And yet… underneath all of that fear was something else.
Excitement.
The kind I hadn’t felt in a very long time.
Why Women Stop Honoring What They Want
I think many women become so practiced at considering everyone else’s needs that eventually our own wants begin to feel inconvenient.
We start minimizing ourselves without even realizing it.
We say things like:
“It’s not a big deal.”
“I don’t really care.”
“Whatever everyone else wants is fine.”
Meanwhile internally we’re carrying:
resentment
exhaustion
loneliness
boredom
disconnection from ourselves
And the longer we ignore those feelings, the farther we drift from who we actually are.
That’s why this trip mattered so much to me.
It wasn’t really about Utah.
It was about finally listening to myself.
The Trip That Reminded Me Who I Was
By the second day we were hiking Bryce Canyon on the Fairyland and Tower Bridge Trail—a six-hour hike surrounded by massive red rock formations that honestly looked fake. Like God accidentally turned the saturation too high.
Before we started, our guides invited each of us to pull an encouragement card from a deck they carried.
This was completely my thing.
So naturally I reached in immediately.
The first words on my card stopped me cold:
“I am free.”
My breath caught.
The card continued:
“I release myself from the thoughts and feelings that have held me back. Any guilt, shame, embarrassment, self-doubt, and fear that I harbor I release. Today I am free.”
And I swear to you—it felt like the universe grabbed me by the shoulders and said:
Michelle. THIS. This is why you came.
Not just for the hiking.
Not for the rappelling.
Not even for the adventure.
I came because somewhere deep down I was trying to reconnect with myself again.
The confident version.
The adventurous version.
The strong version.
The woman who says what she wants instead of minimizing it.
And standing there in Bryce Canyon, dusty and sweaty and surrounded by women cheering each other on, I realized something:
Freedom in midlife doesn’t always look dramatic.
Sometimes it looks like:
booking the trip
taking up space
trying something new
asking for what you want
doing something without your family
trusting yourself enough to go
Confidence in Midlife Starts With Small Brave Decisions
One of the biggest surprises of the trip wasn’t the hiking.
It was how quickly I remembered parts of myself I thought I’d lost.
The athletic side.
The adventurous side.
The confident side.
And honestly? That version of me had been there all along.
She was just buried underneath years of responsibility, routines, emotional labor, and practical decision-making.
I think confidence in midlife gets misunderstood.
People think confidence suddenly appears once you “figure yourself out.”
But that’s not how it works.
Confidence is rebuilt through action.
Through brave little decisions.
Through trying things before you fully believe you’re capable.
That trip didn’t magically transform me into a fearless woman.
I still overthink.
I still worry.
I still question myself.
But now I have evidence that I can do hard things.
And that matters.
How to Begin Reconnecting With Yourself
If you’ve been feeling disconnected from yourself lately, I want you to know something:
You are not broken.
You may simply be buried underneath years of caring for everyone else.
Reconnecting with yourself doesn’t require blowing up your life.
Sometimes it starts much smaller than we think.
Sometimes it starts with:
signing up for the class
taking the solo day trip
going for the walk
saying what you actually want
trying the hobby
making the phone call
booking the adventure
admitting you want more
Not more stuff.
More connection.
More purpose.
More aliveness.
More YOU.
And maybe that’s what midlife actually is.
Not a crisis.
But an invitation.
An invitation to return to yourself.
A Gentle Reminder If You’ve Been Feeling Restless
I think a lot of women quietly wonder in midlife:
Where did I go?
Not because we don’t love our families.
Not because we regret our lives.
But because somewhere in caring for everyone else, we stopped nurturing ourselves too.
This trip reminded me that reconnecting with yourself doesn’t happen all at once.
It happens one brave decision at a time.
One honest conversation.
One boundary.
One adventure.
One “yes” that’s just for you.
And maybe that’s your encouragement too.
Not necessarily to hike through Utah and rappel down canyons with strangers… although honestly, highly recommend. 😄
But to listen to the quiet voice underneath the fear.
The one asking for something more.
The one reminding you that you’re still in there too.
Because sometimes freedom isn’t leaving your life behind.
Sometimes it’s simply finding your way back to yourself again.
And maybe that journey starts with one small, brave yes.
